i wanna beleive that dreams could make me happy.

i was actually about to sleep but i was feeling writing, but i was feeling sleepy at the same time. but!! i cant sleep. so here i am.

Hari ini seperti biasa, gue randomly main ke pim krn emang lg ga ada kelas. So there i was, feeding my hunger belly in food court, alone. Watching people. Sampe mata gue tertuju sama seorang cewe berambut ngebob yg lg asik makan smbl ngobrol sama tmnnya. Beberapa meter di sebrang gue.

Wait, wait, bukan gue ngeliatin dia krn dia aneh or something. But i recognize her. How come you didnt recognize somebody you adore her works so much? Yes she is one of my muses.

It’s funny. I kept thinking on myself. I wanna be like her. But she’s just like me. likeother human being. She doesnt look fancy or something. She’s super ordinary. People wont notice her as behind-the-gun of great adv they saw on magz. They wont. They might notice her as usual-mbak-mbak-kantoran-yang-lagi-break. No, they wont recognize that campaign they saw on magz that made them go crazy and want it so bad is made by her. 

And yes, i wanna be like her. I can be like her. What so special about her? People wont realize that girl is a boyfriend of , perhaps, member of so-in-right-now band.

Lucu.. lucu.. orang ga pernah bisa ditebak ya? 

Then i wondering to myself. How  do i go there? It’s all blurry here. Ga mungkin kan gue, demi punya akses ke dunia kyk si muse gue itu, trus gue bela2in pindah meja, sok saik gabung sama dia dan ngenalin diri, “hai gue marga. Mba dita ya? Gue suka bgt sm karya mbak lohh. Ajak kau foto dong kali kalii pelissss“ cih..  itu sama saja suicide. Killing my own future and my name. 

Dan tiba-tiba gue kepikiran buat berhenti kuliah dan ngeles seni aja. gue beneran pgn serius di bidang art. Tapi di satu sisi gue ga mau ngecewain and taking too big risk and throwing all my parents sacrifices for me all these time, just like that.

My parents struggling hard for me so i can go to college, and this is me? abandon their.. hopes? I cant.

So, how did i get there? God, show me the way. I wanna be into that industry so bad. I feel like i need to find my sanctuary. I cant wait to feed my family with my own effort.